Night's Omen

 Indrani's large green eyes browsed over the files that sat on her desk, and she let out a perplexed sort of sigh. Rafael's psychological evaluation was all over the place. She couldn't, with confidence, clear him to go back onto the field, and to be honest, she had a suspicion he wasn't sure if he even wanted it at the moment. It was easier for a doctor to declare you unfit to return to your duty than to just suddenly quit for a brief period. She remembered when Capricia had, and that mark would be on her record forever. The hunters treated this like a job rather than an option, which bothered Indrani, as she clearly saw the difference. There was a vast gray area with her husband she wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, but this wasn't about Devraj; it was concerning the parrot.

"Mr. Ortega," Indrani said, her accented voice rolling over his last name. She prompted him from whatever he'd been doing, satisfied that the room was currently only occupied by the two of them. She couldn't help but glance briefly at his wings; the brilliance of colour was like an explosion, nearly prismatic when he moved this way or that, but the fact remained that they were not supposed to be out, as he was never meant to have this demi-form.

"Have you a moment?"

She wasn't kidding when she thought that his psychological evaluation was all over the place, or that she wasn't positive that he was suitable to go back into the field.  What his evaluations looked like depended entirely upon what kind of day it was, what his nightmares of the night before had been like, and what he had planned for the day.  He wasn't the most social of the hunters, though he pretended fairly well, especially when he wanted to.  That didn't mean that he invested himself in what was going on around him, however, and it had only gotten worse.  Most days, he didn't even pretend anymore, and there were plenty that he didn't even show his face outside of his home.  He'd always been a little quieter than the average Onyx hunter (where everyone was flashy and wanted the spotlight), but now?  Fading into the background was fine with him, if only it was possible.  The problem was that it usually wasn't.

It was his wings, which were a big part of the 'what kind of day it was' portion that decided what his evaluation looked like.  He could bind them down and cover them up to leave the guildhouse, but it was uncomfortable and awkward, which really didn't help his mood or his desire for company.  He might still agree to go out if someone asked, especially if it was someone he was friendly with, but he didn't really like it.  Walking around the guildhouse meant that he didn't have to bind and cover them, but it meant that every time he walked into a room, all eyes were on him.  People would try to avert their eyes again or look over at him more discretely, but it didn't really work all that well.  He knew they were looking, and he knew it was both morbid curiosity, pity and a fascination with the brightly colored brilliance of the feathers.  Few people had seen his parrot form because he was honestly just a little too shy to shift all that freely, and it was even more shocking to see those wings on a person.  Audrey had swept through Onyx for some paperwork from someone she was working on a case with, and her son had stared openly before making a comment to his mother about what kind of angel Rafael was.  It wasn't an insult, but the parrot shifter couldn't help but think harshly of himself as an answer to the question.  He didn't catch Audrey's response, and he was glad that he hadn't.  She was a wonderful person and had been extremely good to him since it had happened, but he couldn't have listened to her answer her son.  She only would have said something nice, and he didn't want it.  He hadn't earned it.

Frankly, he felt useless.  He wanted to be back in the field so that he wasn't hanging around the guildhouse doing nothing.  He went to the range and kept up with his training now that he was well enough to function again, but he was restless and hated that feeling of worthlessness.  Then, he didn't want to be in the field.  His wings, as long as they were free as they were, would always be a concern, like a brilliant neon sign saying 'hit me here', and what if he ran into Niall or Kiyoshi?  He wasn't honestly sure what he'd do, or if he could do anything.  He wasn't worried that he would start screaming uncontrollably or anything as ridiculous as all that, but it wasn't as though completely freezing up would be impossible.  What then?  Would someone else die or suffer as he had because he froze?  Would he endure again?  He wasn't sure if he could.

Indrani had caught him in one of the common rooms, unwilling to bind his wings and letting them rest comfortably behind him as he leaned over the gun he was cleaning silently.  There was some kind of 'discussion' going on between Casey and Verde, and Rafael was starting to get the gist that Verde's case was quickly turning into how many shots he could put into a coyote before it found cover.  Casey just hadn't gotten the point, yet.  Rafael had even considered letting her in on that little tidbit when Indrani had appeared, her silken voice drawing him out of his thoughts and away from the weapon.  She'd wanted to speak with him, which wasn't so surprising.  That happened quite a bit lately, so he collected his things and followed her to her office, where she was promptly thrown into another mess and probably looked over his file again.  He was pretty sure she'd have it memorized by now.  He amused himself by digging through the candy dish on her desk, trying to pretend that he didn't see her eyes drawn to the sheen of his wings whenever he moved the slightest bit.  He didn't look at them much himself, so he wasn't entirely aware of just how much the colors changed with his movement, but he didn't like thinking about it.  To others, they were beautiful, but to him, they were just unnatural.  They weren't supposed to be like this.

Her candy dish looked almost treacherous.  It had all different kinds of candies in it, but he wasn't actually certain how many of her clients actually partook of it.  Picking through it, he found plenty of things he didn't want, but he was also a picky bird.  Gross, gross, gross, way too sour, gross, gross, what is that?  Oh, it's a BUTTON.  Gross, gross, eh, that's not so gross.  He unwrapped and popped a starburst into his mouth that didn't look like it had been there that long, just in time for her to address him.  He looked up and planted something of a smile on his face, nodding.  

"For you, doc, always."  Today wasn't a horrible day, not yet.  

 She watched him intently, tilting her head as he pulled a button out of her candy dish. "I'll take that," she said, holding her small hand out for the item. She held it up into the light and made a noise of wonderment - Raven had been looking everywhere for that. How on earth had it ended up in her candy dish, of all places? She placed it next to her phone by an array of neon-coloured sticky notes with names, numbers, miscellaneous information, and even the "Usual" order from Panda Express that she, Irulan and Remi ended up with when they had a guild-wide psych pow-wow. Given the recent events, it was coming disturbingly close to time for another, which meant clearing an entire weekend off of their equally busy schedules in order to make it happen. As if to punctuate the thought, her phone rang. She answered it, but only because Rafael was chewing his candy.

"Yes, Remi, I was just -- Mm, I agree, Zaine has a habit of breaking them before they even get as far as my door. You're right, the end of the month might be necessary. Shannon? Oh, no, she's slightly less... mean about it. Yes, I'll fax you the list when I conference Irulan after lunch this afternoon." She glanced up. "Okay, mm - 'bye." She leaned forward in her chair and put her hands on her desk, smiling apologetically.

"I'm sorry. It seems our monthly "Who do we cut?" from the wave of new cadets has come sooner than I'd planned. With Zaine here, we can't go but sixty days with someone losing their head. I'll be honest when I say I'm thankful sometimes that my husband is both frequent in this establishment and frequent on Martin's good side. I do not wish to ever fall into shadow with that man," she remarked. It wasn't often that Indrani spoke so candidly, but honestly she had nothing to fear from Zaine despite her commentary - she was one of the few people he actually liked. She smiled again, and put her hand to her chin.

"Tell me, Rafael, how do you find yourself the past few days? The things in the report show me that you're doing only enough so as not to draw attention to yourself. I know you're not the most offensive of our hunters here, but I also know that you have never striven so hard at.. mediocrity before? Please, don't misunderstand, I'm not criticizing your ability, because I know you have it. I just wonder if you will talk honestly with me about what's going on in your head? Your situation has improved with your health, but only as far as it is able. Have you considered options for reclaiming your form?"

She paused, and then lowered her voice. "Even if you think they are crazy, please don't be afraid to speak your mind. This is not a place of judgment. I am only trying to determine the best course of action for you. I read in your personal statements that you have on more than one occasion said you wish that you could forget this entire mess. What if I told you that might actually be possible? That another member who moonlights this guild has been through something similar to your situation and far more, and has literally no recollection of it?" She tilted her head a little. She hadn't intended to try and shove the idea on him, but if he was reluctant to tell her his "disturbing" thoughts, this lofty notion that a sort of mind erasure could be possible might make him more confident that she was as crazy as she was qualified.

He couldn't help overhearing her conversation, his attention solidly on her from the time she'd taken the button from him.  He didn't mean to come off as being untrusting of her, but he liked to know what was going on around him more now than ever.  Who could fault him for being cautious?  Even if it was a little paranoid, was that so bad?  It meant he wasn't going to make any stupid mistakes anytime soon, right?  He hoped.  That would suck.

Not that he thought anything he and Gabe had done had really been a 'stupid mistake'.  He still couldn't say that there was any way they could have known what was going to happen, or that he regretted not listening to Gabe when the vampire told him to leave him.  He had more regret over surviving as long as he had through Niall's torture than he did over standing with his friend.  Leaving Gabe hadn't ever been an option, and he still didn't think it was.  He'd stand by that one, just preferably without thinking about everything that happened after.  He didn't blame Gabe for any of it, though there were a lot of mixed emotions there.  Gabe had hurt him as well, feeding when Niall had starved him and offered only the parrot shifter, and at the time Rafael had only wanted him to finish off what the Nazi had started.  Now, having survived it all, he wasn't sure what he thought of it, except that he still didn't blame Gabriel.  It was very confusing, but then, what wasn't anymore?

"No worries," he told her, tone easily dismissing her apology as unnecessary.  "It's not like you were dragging me away from anything pressing."

He managed to say it without a hint of bitterness, but he wouldn't lie and say that he was physically or mentally stimulated with his life as it was.  He just didn't know what to do with himself.  Some days he thought he was fine, and others?  Others, he didn't want to be seen.  How did he find himself?  This wasn't the first time he'd talked to her, so it wasn't like he was especially shy with her.  He'd sat with her and Lucien after he'd been deemed well enough to explain what happened, just like he figured Gabriel had.  The difference was that Gabriel was back to work and living with his pretty girlfriend like nothing had happened, or at least, that was what it seemed like.  Rafael didn't know what Gabriel was going through, except that the vampire was better at covering it up if he was messed up over it.

"I find myself...unhappy with being stared at," he told her, not really pointedly because he knew she couldn't help looking, but it was true.  He felt better about her than others, anyway.  It was comfort levels with him, always had been, but he hadn't had such gaping wounds before.  His social capabilities felt fractured.  "I draw enough attention just walking into a room, so it isn't like I really need to work at drawing more."

Reclaiming his form?  God, he didn't even want to touch that subject.  His pretending faltered just at the mention, and then she went on with a totally crazy option that made him wonder if maybe he should see if the Crimson or Frost psychologist had ever decided to give Indrani a talk of her own.  She'd mentioned her husband, and everyone knew that Dev was a little bit...off.  Maybe that was how they were so happily married; they were both nutters. 

"Are you...are you fucking with me?  'Cause it's really not funny.  I mean, even if it was possible to just ERASE everything that happened, I don't for a second believe that there wouldn't be some kind of residue left, not to mention my wings," he pointed out, not sure if he was more upset or angry.  Why would she bust out with something like that?  Just to get a rise out of him?  God, maybe it's what he needed.  How sad was that?  "That's even crazier than my crazy idea, you realize that?"

As far as he could tell, his best bet was to beg a triste to help him, and then he'd been warned that there was a chance Kiyoshi had broken something in him.  It wasn't supposed to be possible, so it wasn't like anyone was going to guarantee results.  His only other thought had been to go beg Kiyoshi to fix it, but he didn't think he dared.  Offer himself to that man?  The vampire had been way too interested in him and his breed, so going back willingly would just be suicide.  He knew that, yet he still believed that the one who had broken him might be the only one who could fix him.  Erasing his memories, though?  No way, there wasn't a chance it would work, and even if it did?  How could he function in the guild everyday when everyone else knew what had happened and he didn't?  How long could that possibly last, and to forget Gabe?  How was that fair?  He couldn't have done that even if it was possible.

 He reacted pretty much precisely as she'd anticipated, but that was what she'd been hoping for. If she made him aware that some crazier things had been accomplished, it might not make him feel like he was losing his mind so badly. "Believe me when I say we're working on the wings. It's not as easy as just waving a wand, as you well know - you aren't the only person searching for solutions. Our Therrayan has been into her books and even scrolls trying to find a string of words for us to go on, something that will lead us to a peaceable solution that can put that particular item to rest. Believe me, this isn't Single Earth, where they give you an Asprin and tell you to lay down. I am not personally convinced there's no way to do it, and therefore resources are being exhausted until I'm otherwise."

She wanted to try and convey in as many ways that she had his back, even if she didn't seem to be doing much. Having Raven go through those scrolls was -- Raven had even enlisted the help of her sister, which made for all sorts of new and interesting questions that she doubted very much Raven wanted to try and answer. Her sister, Rook, was it? was a good hunt-gather sort for information, and Indrani was confident something would come eventually.

"As for the idea of erasing everything, it's not only possible, it's already happened, and you know someone it's happened to. I have full permission to divulge this information when I deem it necessary to those I find may benefit from it in one way or another." She slid a file across the desk to him, the outside of it only showing a name in block lettering, WINTER, LILYANA A, and a 3x5 photo of a hunter that Rafael had probably seen and on occasion spoken to more than once. The photo had her standing against the background of azalea bushes that lined the outer grounds of the guildhouse - Lilyana was smiling. The picture couldn't have been more than a year old. When he opened the file, however, there would be much older photos, detailing drastic injuries that she'd long since had corrected through Grayson's plastic surgeon who specialized in Chai and Vie scarring.

"Lilyana was in Midnight for six years, and she retains no memory of it. If she had, you know as well as I do that Martin would not work so closely with her, as we do not generally accept applicants who have such a -- heavy history with Midnight." It was a remark pertaining to a member who had been expunged from the guild after constant bizarre and insane behaviour, but Indrani was too professional to directly name a name. Rafael would know to whose case she was referring. "Those injuries you see are mostly gone, with the exceptions of some scarring on her back that she's scheduled to have removed next autumn. It's a long process on a shifter, but possible. Obviously in your case we need something a little less surgical to fix the situation, but any other scarring you have - mental or physical - it can be corrected."

She leaned back in her chair a little, touching the button she'd set on her desk. "Listen, Rafael. I know it sounds like what I'm offering is insane, and there's nothing that's telling you that you have to accept it. I just want you to know that there are things... ways to do things that we never thought possible before. It's not something that happens overnight - this particular girl was down for a year being worked, but I assure you, she is one-hundred percent herself. She was able to sit down and pick what she wanted, eliminate what she didn't, and she has full run over herself. There's no computer chip, no plug, nothing. Do I agree entirely with the practice? In her instance, and in some of our damaged cases, absolutely. Would I force someone to do it? Absolutely not. I don't even know if I would take that opportunity myself if I'd experienced something so horrible as what Midnight holds, but I'm not fool enough to be able to predict any of my own actions with that as the active variable."

"The entire point of me telling you this," she said, trying to wrap back around to her initial point, "is that there are ways, a lot of ways, that we can mend this. We're exploring every alternative, and if you have any, even ones that seem far-fetched, I can promise that someone here will be either bold enough or crazy enough to try and find out if it will work." She smiled again, that easing, comforting sort of smile. Indrani was a lot like Morgan Freeman - with that voice, she could say almost anything and it came across as soft and serene. She could recite mathematical algorithms and people would listen - it was that pleasant.

What she was explaining was absolutely insane, and then she was handing him a file on someone he knew, someone that he'd talked to, and it was impossible.  Lily was about as crazy as any female hunter, but she hadn't given him any vibes that would suggest to him that she'd been in Midnight.  It couldn't be possible.  No freakin' way.

He thought, briefly, and just getting up and leaving.  This wasn't getting him or anyone else anywhere, and even if it was true?  What, he was going to trust his entire being to some dude with a computer?  She said that Lily had been able to sit down and 'pick what she wanted' and 'eliminate what she didn't'.  What, like a cheat code to life?  God, how many dorks would have paid anything for that?  Problem was, Rafael wasn't so sold on it being a good idea, on the off-chance that it was even possible.  Hell, was he even really having this conversation?  Indrani had always seemed so reasonable.  The only actual thing going against her in the sanity department had been that she was married to Dev, and that was only because that man had to have something wrong with him and it seemed impossible that a 'good girl' could be with him for so long.  Otherwise, she'd seemed great, very reassuring and soothing.  It was her voice, he knew that much, but that couldn't have been all?  Sure, he wanted to believe her and listen to her when she spoke to him because her voice really DID have that soothing, satiny softness to it, but he still thought she was crazy.

It left him unsure what to do.  She was adamant that it was true, which was fine because she wasn't insisting he agree to anything, or even that he had to think about it, but he wasn't so sure he believed it.  Yes, there was the file, but he didn't see how that kind of thing could be real.  It was like something out of TV, and it left him uncertain about Indrani.  That didn't make it easy for him to talk to her, even under good conditions.  He was a parrot, and he'd always seemed to fit their social ways perfectly, only opening up after he was comfortable with people.  Indrani was suddenly looking more like a question mark again. 

"With all due respect, I'm not exactly seen to be the most stable individual anymore?  I'm not going to throw ridiculous or stupid suggestions out into the open so that I look crazier," he pointed out.  He knew that people talked.  Hell, it was stupid to think that they wouldn't.  Besides, he sure as hell wasn't putting anyone else in harm's way for his own benefit. 

"Rafael, you can say whatever you want or feel. That's what my office is for - people can talk, but the information they get isn't from here," she said, somewhat sternly, which for Indrani was still a 'nice tone'. She waved her hand a little. "It doesn't matter. If you don't want to talk, then you don't have to - you aren't obligated to tell me anything, and I won't try to drag anything out of you. I called you in here mainly to highlight what I've already said. Anything after that is only what you're willing to go over, and that can be as timely as you like it."

She smiled and sat up again, resting an elbow on her desk. "I can't entirely say I'd recommend that you go back to active duty, but regardless, you'll be getting a new partner by the end of the week." She paused. "It won't be Verde, so don't worry about that," she added. Every time she told someone that she was going to give them a new partner, they always became panicked that they'd be saddled up with the crazy Spaniard.

"I'm going to let Cobriana know that I want at least another two weeks of mandatory down time, and then after that, it's going to be up to you entirely. Is that satisfactory or would you prefer more time to yourself?"

He believed that she wouldn't tell the entire guild if he said something stupid, honestly he did.  He just didn't know what his feelings were on getting back to work, whether he preferred the restlessness and the broken, useless feeling or the risk that he'd be taking getting back to the field.  He'd never minded before and part of him actually liked it, but he wasn't so sure that he wouldn't make mistakes if his thoughts were elsewhere.  It wasn't impossible, he knew that.  Thus, it made sense to him when she mentioned that he'd be getting a 'new' partner, but the newest part of that was that he was getting a partner.  Some hunters got them because they were trouble, some because the guild leaders thought they would benefit from the support, and some just preferred to work with a partner.  Rafael was never in any of those categories, so he'd always been solo.  He was too 'shy' most of the time for a partner, anyway.  If he ever worked with another hunter, it was because he was friendly with the person already, and that was regardless of guild.  He'd worked with Audrey before, but it was only after he'd gotten to know her.  Sticking him with someone he didn't know had always been a less than fruitful venture. 

Now, it was different, because he fell into at least one of those categories that got him a partner.  He was trouble, and they likely thought that he would benefit from the support.  He wasn't so sure he agreed, even if she promised that it wouldn't be Verde.  Actually, he almost thought that he'd be better off with Verde.  At least he knew the guy, knew what to expect, and he honestly didn't think the crazy Spaniard was as crazy as everyone gave him credit for being.  Verde could be downright reasonable and even compassionate if the mood struck him; he just didn't display it often.  Rafael couldn't be sure what to expect out of this new mystery partner, and even worse, there was no way that this partner was aware of what he (or she?) was getting themselves thrown into.

"So, if it's not Verde, who is it?" he asked, the uncertainty showing in his features and voice.  He didn't trust this idea.  "I don't know how much time, so I guess that's fine."

Frankly, he was surprised that they were even talking about putting him back in the field.  He'd been expecting them to treat him like a leper for a good long while.  "Hav---well, I mean, are there any ideas about my wings?  How to fix it?" he finally ventured, not sure if he even wanted to hear her response.  It was likely to be negative, which wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear.  Regardless of anything he might ever want to do about his memories or whatever Indrani had offered, there was still the problem of his wings.  If he was stuck, he just wanted to know for sure so that he could try to get over it and work around it.  It would take some work, especially since he wasn't the most flashy hunter in the guild, to get used to being even MORE high-profile than he already was.  Red hair could be blamed on punk fashion, which is what he usually went with, but his wings were positively impossible to ignore.  If he didn't know what the problem with them was, he'd love them, and he always had before.  Could he get over them being unnatural? 

 "Actually, you might know her. Shannon West - she was the one who brought Gabriel in. She's a switch-hitter for the guilds. Mostly she stays in Crimson but she's been here for a long time and she knows her way around. She's qualified to go after Level 5 targets, which should be of some ease to you. Unless there are objections on your end?" Indrani was certain they'd met before, but she didn't precisely follow either of them around so she wasn't up to date with their social lives.

"As for your wings..." she trailed off. "Truth be told, it has been raised that there may be a way to get the vampire who did it to reverse it, but it's something that's only been brought up between myself and one or two other people; certainly it would be difficult to try and manage that idea. The others are less dangerous in nature but every bit as troublesome. There's a voodoo man who's done extraordinary things, and I believe he could help, but I don't know what he'd want in return. Nothing good, I bet," she muttered.

She focused her green eyes on him. "There are other magic practitioners; even two Falcons within the city, but their willingness to help is very subjective. I don't know that I consider them options so much as knots in the fuse to something bigger." No, Aristide definitely had been brought up, but the problem was that because it seemed to be a guild matter at the moment, Indrani had to be careful what to suggest openly to Lucien. If Rafael did something on his own accord, it would be different, but if it was an Onyx-wide effort, then it had to be agreed upon.