Embrace the Burn

[Ryan Shane]

Prompt List

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• Suffer
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[Ryan Shane]

 

S U F F E R

Ryan was staring hard at the glass of scotch in front of him. It looked like he was concentrating with the way his brow furrowed slightly, but in reality his vision was blurred as he mentally dissociated from what had transpired between he and his brother an hour prior. He played the whole day back in his head, rewinding each moment and examining it. Sobriety had done wonders for his intuitive aptitude - in the two years since Christian had been gone, Ryan had really cleaned up. As it turned out, if he wasn't taking fistfulls of pills and chasing them with cheap beer to slow his brain down, it actually netted him some pretty good ideas. He'd proven himself over and over in the elder's absence, and actually thought he'd adjusted quite well.

Who knew instead of developing healthy coping mechanisms he could have just gone and had all that shit offloaded from his brain and then destroyed.

His glass came back into focus; rather, the sweat on the side of it did, as he gave his head a little shake, pulling himself from out of the depths of his memory. The bitterness was a reminder that though he was out of the woods, they were still very much in the near background. Ryan knew he would always have that close by, and he had to actively work not to go back into them. He wondered if Christian was the same, and that was why he'd never seen him so much as have a sip of champagne. He'd likely never know.

As if he'd been reading his mind, the clap of a warm hand startled Ryan as he came back into reality, and he turned, eyes widened slightly with surprise. "Hey man," Jared said, giving him a nod. He looked from him to the glass, pointedly, and then back to him. "That bad?" Without waiting for an answer, Jared sat in the stool next to him, giving a nod to the bartender. "Just a Bud Lite, please," he said. His eyes lingered on her for a moment as she got the beer from the cooler and handed it to him, but as soon as she'd left, he looked back at his friend.

"I'm not drinking it," Ryan said, his voice hesitant. "It's stupid - but having it in front of me, I don't know, helps me think?" He glanced at Jared to gauge his reaction.

"You're a grown man, dude," Jared said with a shrug. "But, I trust you. And you've done work for a while now, so, if you can sit with that in front of you and just watch the ice melt, well, I think you're doing okay," he said. "I, however, have made no such pledge to sobriety, and so you'll forgive me if I indulge," he added, lifting the bottle.

"Please," Ryan countered. "We already did that experiment to see how to get you drunk, remember? It was way more than that," he said, nodding to the bottle, "has to offer. By quite a lot."

Jared chuckled. "Yeah," he said fondly. "We were fuckin' stupid, man." They both laughed, and then fell into a comfortable silence, before Jared sat forward a little in the chair. "Let me guess. Today's think tank has been brought to you by the letter C - for Christian?"

"C something," Ryan muttered.

"Whoa," Jared said, unable to hide his shock. "I thought you'd be happy he's back! I mean, I'm sure you guys have some shit to work through, but - man, that's your brother."

"Yeah," Ryan said flatly. "So I'm told."

Jared made a face and put the beer in his mouth before he said anything else, trying to put together reasons why Ryan could possibly be making a problem out of what Jared thought was probably some of the better news he'd received lately. Jealousy that he's not going to be calling the shots? Unlikely; Capri and Axel kind of dual-headed the guild, so it wasn't as though Ryan was ever on the table - and besides, he'd never expressed interest in a takeover, not even in passing - so that was probably out. He could be salty that Christian came back without any warning, that might make sense. But, still, how mad could you really be about that? They'd all shared a hell of a traumatic experience, including Jared, who wasn't as deeply affected by it, but he at least knew what they were all working with. Wouldn't that bring people closer?

"Oookay," Jared said slowly. "So, I don't have to be supernatural to sense the very obvious problem you have with this. Is it because he just showed back up without any warning, or..." he trailed off. He didn't really have a better guess.

Ryan shook his head, making a face, and then he turned his body towards Jared to speak. "No," he said simply. "No, not at all. I'm glad he came back. I mean, yeah, it's kind of abrupt and I wish I'd have known that he'd come back with plans to just throw my life in to chaos, but - ". He fell short after that, looking at the ground like he was grappling with what to say or how to say it. He looked back up. "I guess I didn't know he'd come back like the terminator and just - I dunno. Act like nothing happened?" He shrugged, unsure of how to put what he was feeling into words. "And he's selling the house, so, now I gotta find a new place," he added.

"Terminator? I mean, okay," Jared said, sighing. He set the beer down and turned in his chair, too. "Look, dude. You knew he was gonna sell the house. Like, lowkey, come on. We even talked about that shit. You didn't want to put anything into storage because you said it was his call, and you don't even stay there all the time. You kind of just crash on weekends. So, like, I understand that is chaotic because it is a change from what your normal has been for the last two years, but... I saw that coming, and I know you did," Jared said. He tilted his head to one side. "You can't be sitting here mind melding with a glass of bad scotch because the house you don't own and barely stay at is being sold."

Ryan rolled his eyes, and then rubbed his face with his hands, making a frustrated sound. "Did you talk to him at all these last few days?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, a little. He wanted me to catch him up on what training I did with Axel in the interim, and ask about some other guild-related stuff. Why?"

"He didn't seem like a robot to you?" Ryan pressed.

Jared exhaled through his nose. "No, Ryan. He sounded like a man who left until he got his shit together and came back and put himself back in the fight. What are you looking for, here?"

"He went to Cole, dude," Ryan hissed. "He went and he had all the - I don't know, bad shit - in his head, downloaded, and then taken out, and like, put on a shelf somewhere!"

Whoa. Jared opened his mouth, and immediately closed it. He sat back in his chair a little, facial expression showing that he was clearly processing what he'd been told.

"Yeah," Ryan said, making a 'ta-da' gesture with his hands before turning back to face the bar and shaking his head. He set his jaw with a harsh laugh, and then swiveled back to Jared. "And you know what's even more fucked up? When he came back, he didn't put it back. No, hm-mm. He said he destroyed it. Smashed it. So it's just - gone."

Jared held his hands up, squinting as he tried to understand what he was being told. "Okay, hold on," he said. "What 'bad parts'? Like, specifically, are we talking just like that night, or like, every bad memory ever, or.... " he asked. "I'm just trying to understand. I'd ask what lead to it, but I can kind of imagine," he said, making a face.

"Well, I didn't exactly get a detailed list," Ryan admitted. "But still. I sat here, and I dealt with it, and I fucking suffered. And he just - " Ryan's hand shot up as if to say he 'flew away'. "Just left me here. In it."

He was quiet, but clearly he wasn't done talking, and so Jared just watched him as he tried to find the words. Absently, he reached for his beer and held it up, indicating he'd want another. Several would be more accurate, but he wasn't about to lush out right then and there.

"He said it wasn't an easy decision," Ryan continued. "He said - he said he had a gun in his mouth. And that's what made him do it."

Jared thought on that for a minute, and then nodded. "Okay, so let me ask you something. And I'm being totally serious, right now. What is the alternative, to what you just told me? Dead brother? Because, that's what it sounds like, but I want to make like, crystal clear - "

"Yeah, yeah, dead brother, I guess," Ryan said, cutting him off.

"Okay, just making sure I understand. So, he sat with these feelings, whatever they were, until they made him put a gun in his mouth. And then, instead of pulling the trigger and making you an only child and sole survivor, he got help. Is that what I understand?"

"But it wasn't help, it was - "

Jared held his hand up. "Nope, that's not for us to determine," he said, cutting his friend off. "Plus, I imagine if he got to the point where he was gonna Cobain it, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that he tried talking to someone and it didn't work," he said. "Do I have proof? No. Have I known Christian for as long as I've known you, and know him to be a rational man? Yes, emphatically so. So, what you're upset about, is that... he didn't suffer enough? Or the right way?" He saw Ryan make a face, and held his hand up again. "No, like, please tell me, so that I understand exactly what the issue is."

Ryan stared at Jared for a while, and then shook his head. "I don't know," he said honestly.

"Dude," Jared said, this time his voice much softer. "If the alternative were you being dead, or you lacking the ability to be sad about something that happened to you, I'd thank God every day for my robot friend." He put his hand on his shoulder again, this time more firmly, and gave him a reassuring squeeze. "Don't be pissed off at Christian because you sat here suffering when you had the same choices and opportunity he did, and you chose not to take them. You guys are not the same person. And you're not better than him because you suffered; there's no awards for martyrs here. You're not getting a cookie because you're "good at coping", because we all know that's a recent development and one you've had to actively work for. You're mad at the wrong person, for the wrong shit," he concluded.

"It just fucking sucks that I feel this shit every day if I stop and check in with myself and he will never feel it again," Ryan said, shrugging his friend off. "And yeah, I'm bitter about it."

"Okay," Jared said. "So let's go to Cole's right now. Get that shit taken out of your head and then we can go get a pizza after, my treat."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Fuck no, I'm not doing that," he snapped.

"So you agree, it's a choice and you're choosing to risk hurting yourself every time you think about something that's painful," Jared said.

"No, I - " Ryan protested. He held his hands up. "Fuck," he sighed. "I am trying to be a martyr about this. Shit, why are you right so much about me?" he hissed.

"Because you're my best friend and we've known eachother for a long time? Oh, and also the vampire thing. I have like, a way heightened ability to compartmentalize shit, and, it also helps me read people better, which I was already good at before, so now basically I'm like autism but faster," Jared said.

"Alright," Ryan said, clearly conceding. "So, I guess I'm the one that needs therapy, then. Well, this ought to make for a fun story when I have to go talk to Anna," he said with a chuckle. "I guess that means I have to go apologize to Christian, too."

"Probably, but maybe not tonight. I'd talk to Anna first, get a handle on things. Something tells me he'd appreciate the explanation," Jared said. "Just a guess, though. I'm just some shady little pendejo vampire who's one bad day away from turning this place into an apocalyptic wasteland," he laughed.

"Man," Ryan said, sitting up a little. "How did we get so mature?"

"I don't fucking know," Jared replied.